Professional Compassion Part I

compassion
/kəmˈpaʃn/

"a deep feeling of sorrow or concern for another person's suffering, combined with a strong, active desire to help."

Intro

In this post, my focus will be on introducing compassion as an active skill in the work place. A skill right up there with being able to use a computer or put together a power point presentation. I will focus on it as an integral part of being professional in one’s conduct and communication and explain why this is a good way to go about things.

The term itself, compassion, is often treated as a personal virtue or even something more lofty, almost like a luxury reserved for those with the time to approach things that way. The truth, however, is far more mundane. Compassion is really about our attitude in how we interact with others. And, as such, it should really be treated more as a personal or even a professional competency than an admirable quality that some people have and others don’t. The truth is that all of us have it although some are far better than others at activating it and using it in their interactions with others.

Further, compassion is not simply a desire to be nice. It is more an orientation toward understanding another person’s situation, what they are feeling, and what they are struggling with and how to work with that to ultimately be helpful. And it can go a very long way toward stripping away the general stress and anxiety that often plagues us in the workplace when it comes to dealing with problems, navigating different personalities, handling stressful situations and generally getting through the day. Yes, it is entirely possible for compassion to coexist with high standards, accountability, ambition, and difficult decisions.

In fact, I would say it is preferable for this to be the case because the results and the path to them are guaranteed to be far more beneficial and easier to attain simply because the nature of compassion has as its essence concern for the well being of others, be they coworkers, customers or the wider community. And so, with such a motivation, things will more than likely turn out for the best.

Start With Yourself - Compassion and Self-Awareness

In order to be really compassionate and not give up after the first 10 minutes, we need to be self-aware. That is, aware of our position in life, our responsibilities, our limitations and what we are doing in the present moment. Personally, I also think it helps to have a genuine sense of gratitude for prevailing conditions and all of the beings whose contributions made them possible. For example, the train or car you took to get to work, the music or podcasts you listened to on the way in, the roads and other infrastructure around you, stores, restaurants etc. Imagine life without all of that and it becomes exceedingly clear we have a lot to be grateful for just in terms of our environment.

Secondly, I believe we need a lasting motivation to be compassionate. We need a “why”. Otherwise, it can be quite difficult to maintain the right perspective. So, here are some reasons to start feeling compassionate in the first place:

It improves emotional intelligence: if we are constantly overwhelmed by waves of negative emotion and self-concern and by constantly wishing things to be different and spending all day in our head, it is very difficult to maintain any useful level of emotional intelligence because we are essentially already out of control. The resolution to be compassionate orients our mind toward the state of others and so we become more skillful in our actions; better listeners, better helpers and better coworkers. We are able to tailor our communication style to match the other’s state and in a way that shows we care.

Benefit in the workplace: less chance of causing undue stress, misunderstanding or generally rubbing your coworkers the wrong way.

It develops greater self-awareness: in consciously being compassionate, we force ourselves to be more self-aware. This happens because compassion requires awareness by its nature and, further, a conscious orientation of that awareness. We can’t just space out all the time and say whatever comes to our mind and call that being compassionate. No, real compassion takes a level of control and understanding that requires awareness of our own mind and what we are doing with it first and then awareness of the minds of others.

Benefit in the workplace: it can help keep you more focused on your work and what needs to be done instead of staring out the window or checking your phone right and left.

It encourages humility: it is very easy in our modern society to have a hugely inaccurate perception of our actual place in the world and the extent of our agency and power. This is true in the workplace as well. We spend all day everyday busy with being ourselves so we tend to feel we are far more important than we actually are as our baseline. Some level of self-import is necessary for a healthy level of confidence and agency in the world. But this can often be taken too far and can create problems such as friction in the workplace, putting ones pride ahead of ones responsibilities and generally becoming difficult to work with. No one appreciates this and, even if we are guilty of it ourselves, we would not appreciate it in another.

By being compassionate, we reduce our sense of importance and, ideally, see everyone around us as equally important and worthy of the same respect, consideration and and care we would expect for ourselves. We become humble and it becomes easier to focus on things more objectively and without the weight of ego and pride dragging us down and making a big spectacle everywhere we go.

Benefit in the workplace: people who are genuinely humble are approachable and easy to work with. Both of these qualities are rather undervalued in our world of self-promotion and vanity metrics. But the truth is they are incredibly valuable and people will literally love you if you can maintain them in the workplace.

It promotes self-compassion: compassion toward others has a natural way of making us more compassionate towards ourselves and vice versa. There isn’t much else to add to this one save that being compassionate toward oneself brings all the benefits that being compassionate to others does.

Benefit in the workplace: someone with self-compassion is more likely to be less of a drama queen and more capable of admitting mistakes and integrating lessons along the way. They will be easier to train, more responsive to constructive criticism and probably far less likely to become involved in workplace drama because they will naturally tend to avoid defending their ego at all costs.

Supports resilience after failure: in line with self-compasion mentioned above but slightly more specialized in that failure can often drive a less compassionate person to create all kinds of problems they wouldn’t otherwise if they were being more compassionate. For example, they would be more likely to immediately blame others as a means to avoid responsibility which naturally involves a lot of unwarranted harm and drama.

However, for someone who is compassionate, the tendency toward fight or flight or otherwise feeling cornered when a failure they are responsible for draws notice will not be an issue. Likely, they will already have admitted it to themselves and processed on an emotional level before its even time to have a conversation. Further, they will be far more open to any criticisms or repercussions regarding the incident and will seek transparency and a restoral of norms over looking for way to escape the situation or somehow bury their head in the sand.

Benefit in the workplace: people who are resilient in the face of failure are excellent learners and can be extremely valuable employees and future leaders. Their willingness to admit fault and to remain accountable speak to a sense of loyalty and concern for their team and company that cannot be taught. I believe it is true that while everyone wants to win, we learn the most when we lose. This is because we must face our own shortcomings and knowledge gaps and improve them.

Core idea

Becoming more compassionate toward others requires becoming more aware of your own emotions, assumptions, biases, and reactions and how they affect others. It makes you less disruptive and difficult and easier for people to deal with you. If you’re not on top of what is happening in your mind and how that is affecting your outward actions, your efforts to maintain real compassion will be halting at best and likely backfire before you see any real benefit at all.

Understanding Other People Better

I started above with the tenet that real compassion requires awareness of the self or self-awareness, whichever term you prefer. In this section, I will focus on the importance of awareness of others and the interpersonal dynamic where the power of compassion really comes to life.

First, we should understand how compassion affects our perception of others. Generally, for a mind that is not showing compassion, self-concern and ego will cloud perceptions quite strongly and make thoughts and feelings exceedingly reactive. A useful example is to think of one’s mind when stuck in traffic or, more to the point of this post, waiting on a response or contribution from a coworker who appears to be taking their time getting back to you. The sensations of frustration and aggression in situations like this can be nothing short of amazing.

However, in both situations, if we were to be feeling more compassionate these negative feelings wouldn’t arise at all. An interesting distinction here is that the motive for the arisal of compassion can happen from one’s own side or, conversely, through some knowledge of the situation itself. For example, if we know we are stuck in traffic because there was a bad accident and several people’s lives are in danger, we likely would feel concern and maybe even some sadness. Turning to the coworker who is taking their time, if we learned they were dealing with some extremely bad news by which they were completely blindsided and struggling to cope with, we may feel a very strong desire to help and comfort them.

In all the cases mentioned, compassion is entirely possible. The only distinction is in regard to how it arises. Do we have to be scared straight, so to speak, by the fact that someone is experiencing real suffering? Or can we manifest it naturally? Generally, the former is far easier than the latter in the beginning but that is a discussion beyond the scope of this post.

For now, we will focus on the universal qualities that come about through manifesting compassion in interpersonal relationships, regardless of whether that compassion is manifested consciously from our own side or as a kind of startled reaction to outward events that overrides our self-important internal jabbering and unlocks a brief experience of how beautiful compassion really is.

In no particular order, some of the benefits we can experience by being compassionate in dealing with people are:

Development of patience: when the noise of our mind and its obsessive self-importance are reduced, we feel less urgency to think about ourselves or the various, arbitrary problems in our life. And so we become more patient. It doesn’t feel as much of a challenge to be generous with our time. We feel less desire to rush. We become more patient. This is a requisite quality to be compassionate in an interpersonal way because we have no control over what the other is thinking or feeling or what they are going to say. We need to be present and open in a way that lets us pay attention to them with care and no intrusion for our sense of self concern.

We are all capable of this to some degree. But, generally speaking, it depends largely on who we are interacting with that determines how patient and attentive we can be. If its someone we genuinely like, it is very easy enjoyable even to be patient. If it is someone we are not on the best terms with like a difficult co-worker or an ex-partner etc. then the nature of the interaction often suffers profoundly for lack of patience leaving both parties more agitated and exhausted. With real compassion, we should be able to be compassionate with anybody.

Benefit in the workplace: real patience with others in the workplace has an amazing way of keeping interactions objective and progress-oriented. Whether it’s an irate customer, a flustered co-worker or a manager under too much pressure, if we can be patient and simply focus on what they are trying to tell us without getting emotional, an ability compassion will enable each and every time, then we can function at a higher level of objectivity and care and handle the situation with grace instead of fear and desperation. People will value you for this and feel reassured when you are there when the going gets tough.

Improved judgment of people: this one aligns closely with patience but is more of a secondary result of it. If we feel real compassion toward another, we are less likely to judge them unfairly or unnecessarily based on some outward impression. We will be more willing to hear them out as we would a friend or, at the very least, a neutral party. Very often, what we experience as friction with another person is really the flaring up of pre-conceived notions and past experiences, often both. This can blind us to our own judgments and also to the impressions we may be creating in the other person as well. We are all acutely sensitive to negative emotions and the feeling of being judged, under valued, blown off, explained away or otherwise seen in a negative way.

These type of actions are hardly ever necessary and yet, without compassion, we may find we enact them toward others almost reflexively. And if we look closely, it is really just a means to protect ourselves from emotional duress and discomfort. We don’t want to deal with anyone or anything we deem as undesirable. And so we make judgements and subconsciously pass them on others often without realizing it. The truth is, however, that these judgements can often be woefully inaccurate, unnecessary and even harmful. We may even be throwing away the chance for a great opportunity without knowing it. Personally, I can think of more than a few instances in my past where I would’ve done much better to be more open and understanding and less judgmental.

No one wants to feel unwelcome or to be the object of another’s negativity. Further, the reaction someone may generate in response to such a thing can often cause far more trouble and harm than you’d ever want in your life to say the very least. Yes, it is better to reserve judegment and to use compassion to aid real understanding and objectivity. This can both help you understand the situation better and to react to it in a way that is skillful and avoids undue harm or resentment.

Benefit in the workplace: someone who can remain compassionate and objective in the face of making a judgement will have a remarkable ability to consistently generate positive outcomes. Even in the face of a highly threatening situation, to a company’s revenue or reputation for example, they will at the very least be able to greatly reduce any potential harm and ill will even if the results may not entirely be in both party’s best interest. They will also naturally tend away from injecting any extra negativity, drama or stress into a given situation because this will be seen as simply adding fuel to a fire and making things worse. They will tend to focus on the situation as such instead of their opinion of it or personal stake and make a judgement that is more fair and reserved than someone who is being emotional, vindictive or otherwise acting from fear would.

Strengthened adaptability: by being compassionate in interpersonal situations, we naturally reduce our innate sense of self importance. We are better able to move and act as an equal or even a subordinate in a given situation as the case may be. This makes us more adaptable and less attached to any notions of how the situation should be or how we would want it to be. Instead, we can adjust our approach and sense of position as the situation evolves. And, provided we are remaining compassionate and focused on the best outcome for everyone involved, we can maintain genuine connection and effective communication. The feelings of gain and loss or risk and aversion can be set aside and we can focus on what is really happening instead of our relationship to it.

We can move through a conversation, a negotiation or a meeting without feeling threatened or challenged. And we can remain fresh and motivated without ever backing into defensiveness or any simmering sense of resentment. We can do the right thing in the right way and be of benefit to others for it.

Benefit in the workplace: adaptability shows a willingness to be involved and to be of service. It shows that you are motivated to use your skills and energy in the best way possible and that thoughts of status or who gets credit etc. are not your primary concern. Naturally these things have their place but someone who is overly concerned with them may unwittingly slow things down and cause friction, resentment even, where there need be none. A coworker or boss who is intentionally compassionate and adaptable shows concern for the team as a whole and a desire to contribute in the best way the can instead of stressing their own visibility and social metrics.

Reduction of interpersonal friction: being known as easy to work with is a vastly undervalued skill in my opinion. Interpersonal friction, by its very nature, makes communication and progress more difficult than it should be. If someone is able to maintain a sense of compassion and right relationship to both the situation and their position in it, it can go a long way toward streamlining interactions and allowing the flow of information and work to proceed with maximum efficiency.

If we break down the dynamics of what is meant by a toxic work environment, one of the main contributing factors is interpersonal friction. Naturally, other factors such as compensation, workload and work schedule can compound things. But, the reduction of interpersonal friction or even its elimination altogether can go a long way toward maintaining a positive environment.

Benefit in the workplace: a coworker or boss who can interact with others without generating interpersonal friction is a highly effective asset. Their ability to focus on the task at hand while remaining aware of what other people involved in the situation are thinking and feeling and being able to skillfully navigate things will have a positive effect across the entire team and, depending on the given individual’s role, possibly across the entire organization. The importance of skillful, compassionate communication and its effect on people’s mood and motivation is very difficult to overstate in this regard.

Clearer general perception: this could probably qualify as the general underlying theme regarding the benefit of compassion in interpersonal interactions: it keeps us from getting upset and thereby clouding our perceptions. It is exceedingly difficult to be objective and measured in one's thinking and action while under emotional duress. And, the more upset one becomes, the more potential there is for unskillful thought and action that leads to even more trouble both in one’s mind and in one’s environment to say nothing of the minds of others.

So, by being consciously compassionate in our interactions with others, we are actually protecting not only them but ourselves as well from potential harm. Emotional turmoil begins with a loss of emotional balance and can have a cascading effect. The biggest favor we can do ourselves, then, is setting up a framework to help hedge against getting upset in the first place. The benefits of this are many but the main one is a reduction in potential harm to oneself and those around you. When one is clear headed and not encumbered by negative emotions and their tendency to spread outward to other beings, one’s perceptions, words and actions will generally be kinder, more considerate, accurate and effective.

Benefit in the workplace: clear thinking leads to clear action. This tends to make everyone’s lives easier in regard to doing the job as they know what the expectations are and where they stand in relation to them. Instead of having to deal with constant, emotional challenges along with unclear relationships and expectations, they can relax and focus on what needs to be done and maybe enjoy things a little more along the way as well.

Core idea

Compassion toward others in interpersonal relationships helps everyone. By reserving judgement, controlling emotions, respecting boundaries and remaining objective, one's mental and emotional resources can be deployed without fear or friction and be of the greatest potential benefit. This type of thinking also goes a long way toward enforcing a positive working environment and culture where people feel safe, respected and motivated to contribute.