On Rejection

Intro

Rejection. We've all been through it and most of us hate it. But the truth is it is as natural a part of life as the innate desire we have to seek happiness. In fact, I would say that it is the other half of it. I think the mistake we make in going through rejection is twofold. First, we tend to invest a huge amount of emotion and expectation into an imaginary result we would very much like to come to be but, in the end, doesn't. This is fundamentally what makes rejection painful, having our imaginary results be revealed as just that. Second, we react to this turn of events as if it were something unnatural and not supposed to be; as if it were some kind of end. So clumsy.

It is a far healthier approach to process instances of rejection as simply steps taken or even corrections made along the path and not, as so many of us do, as simply one failure after another. Our life being for us a temporal and limited affair means  failure is an inescapable part of it simply because it is impossible to succeed in an infinite number of endeavors before it is over.  Further, it is usually almost impossible to be successful at anything remotely difficult the first time. That is unless previous experience (that also would necessarily have had its fair share of failure and iteration) has imparted you with skills that are transferable to the new endeavor. An example would be an entrepreneur who is able to start and be successful in multiple businesses despite the fact that most are never successful in starting even one. This "serial entrepreneur" would appear to be uniquely gifted to someone who did not know their history. But, a closer look would show that their is an underlying skill set (gained through hard work and failure) at work generating what would otherwise appear as miraculous results. This is the power of knowledge gained through experience which, in its own way, could be seen as a kind of evolution.

An interesting fact, and one often overlooked, is that what we call the process of evolution can really be described as the process of the occasional success arising from almost uncountable numbers of failures. However, when seen in hindsight, evolution appears to be a smooth, almost deliberate progression of refinement and improvement toward a definite end i.e. the resulting organism. But it is not. Not even close.

However, there is an interesting point to be made here, that of the unique qualities and power of human consciousness which essentially allow us to take over our own evolution (even if not in the literal sense of altering our physical bodies). This ability to reason, reflect, iterate and share our results with each other over large spans of time is responsible for the modern world of civilization. However, these results were not guaranteed from the beginning. They are instead the highly nuanced, almost infinitely complex results of the interdependent efforts and failures of billions and billions of human beings over thousands and thousands of years. Not exactly something to be taken lightly. And this massively complex, almost chaotic process is continuing in this very moment.

Whether we realize it or not, as we move through our daily lives we are, in one direction or another, pursuing our own evolution. We may not  think of our given situation this way but it is true. And it accounts in a large way for the tremendous amount of variation between how people think, behave, respond to situations and make their living. Each of these elements is itself the process of an incredible confluence of interdependent causes and effects beginning with the circumstances of our birth and resulting in who we are at this moment. People are following the tendencies, passions and patterns they have ingrained in themselves over a lifetime living in their given socio-economic environment. And a lot of this is entirely unconscious. And it sets us up for what we experience as rejection quite a lot.

The Analogy

In the rest of this post I would like to pursue this analogy as a means of clarifying my thoughts on what rejection is and is not. But first let me define the analogy more thoroughly. It has two parts, 1) the element of the decisions made and paths taken by individuals during the course of their (relatively short) life as analogous to the Darwinian evolution of an organism over (vast amounts) of time. And 2) the opportunities, individuals and technologies available to an individual over the course of their lives as analogous to the environment in which an organism evolves. There is a third element at work here which is also worth mentioning: our minds. Our minds are really what do all of the experiencing and trying but, strangely, there does not seem to be any explicit emphasis on this in most of the sciences. However, when it comes to rejection, few would deny that it is almost entirely a mental and emotional phenomenon bound strictly to one's own mind.

What Rejection Is

Following the analogy above, we can say that rejection is really the convergence of an individual's point in their own evolution with an element in their environment for which they are not properly evolved to relate with in the way they desire. No more, no less. Just as a fish out of water would have a difficult time explaining any frustration with not being able to breath the air, so too should we admit the painful absurdity of thinking we can control the environment or bring about results in a situation in which we cannot. If we have not put in the time and effort to gain the position, acquire the skills, build the network, create the content, gain the experience and so on, then we should accept that fact as it is.

However, as human beings, there is generally a tremendous amount of emotion and internal mental interplay at work when regarding something we desire. Usually, a lot of it is completely unfounded and our minds are quite chaotic and unrealistic (if we take the time to look at them). This becomes very clear when we unload our mental projections and fantasies on reality only to find there is nothing there to catch them. Reality has essentially told us "no" when all we wanted and thought we deserved was a "yes" "But... I thought I would get the job". "I thought she liked me.." and so on. We find ourselves in a void with our mental activity up to that point rendered painfully ludicrous; all dressed up with nowhere to go.

This convergence of assumptions and emotionally laden expectation with a reality beyond our control can be a moment of intense dissonance and painfully negative emotions. But it doesn't have to be. You'll probably agree with me that, if it weren't for the assumptions and emotionally laden expectations existing in the first place, the experience may not have been painful at all.

Am I saying "don't get your hopes up"? No. I am saying don't let your hopes become irrational. Don't let emotion and arrogance sneak in and work their crafty magic. Don't let them convince you that you can imagine your way to success without putting in the time and effort to create the conditions that will be the causes for it.

What Rejection Is Not

Rejection is not personal. Well, in most cases, at least. Unless your crossing another individual's boundaries to elicit something you shouldn't be (because that would literally mean the cause of the rejection is you and nothing else) there is no need to take rejection as a personal affair. Ever. Rejection doesn't have to be painful and it doesn't have to linger. It simply needs to be accepted for what it is and left as another chapter in the story of your life.

Rejection will happen. Chances are it will happen more often than not as your desires carry you on the search for what you want. The key is to be skillful on this search. To use your time and energy wisely. To not squander it on emotional fantasy or bitter regret. The truth is our lives are rife with opportunity but it is that rare, cultivated convergence of the opportunity and our preparation for it that make the difference. Even then, rejection may still occur especially if there is another human being involved. This is simply because their desires may not be in perfect alignment with yours. And there is nothing you can do about that but keep searching and keep working.

Rejection can be the perfect opportunity to learn the boundaries of what you can control and what you can't.

Rejection As Correction